Sunday, 9 July 2017

A Girls Guide To: Heartbreak

Don't get me wrong, I'm no Paddy McGuinness when it comes to love and I'm certainly not a heartbreak healer either.

Having said that, I've been around for 16 years, so I've had my fair share of boy dramas, including a pretty complicated relationship, which unfortunately resulted in a breakup. I've also helped people with their own troubles and throughout the years, I've learnt a thing or two that I feel I should share with you all in today's post, as you may find it somewhat helpful.

Heartbreak is never easy for anybody to get through. You could be the toughest cookie known to man, but there will still be certain romantic situations that rip your heart in two. That's just life. Love can often be so complicated and when there's all different emotions building up between two people, it's usually inevitable that there's going to be some sort of explosion in the end.

No matter how long you have been with your significant other for, it never really hurts any less. You could have been together for 2 weeks or 2 years, but where there are feelings, there will always be some level of heartbreak involved and that's something which is just out of anyone's control.

Things always have to get worse before they get better. Once you have hit rock bottom, that's as bad as it will get. Things will only move onwards and upwards after that point, believe me. You might not see it at first, but gradually the clouds will begin to clear. It's all about taking baby steps and finding that strength from within yourself. You don't need a partner or a love interest to validate your worth. You don't need another human to provide you with happiness and give you a reason to wake up each morning. You are your own person and just because you may be single and one past lover didn't end up as your prince or princess, it doesn't mean you won't find that in someone else down the line.

I think the saying 'don't forget to fall in love with yourself first' speaks volumes here. You need to find solace within your soul, comfort within your own body. You need to nourish and nurture yourself both emotionally and physically. I know it's easier said than done, but with the right frame of mind, you can get there and each day, you will make more and more progress until eventually, you're somewhat okay. Don't try to move on by jumping into bed with a stranger straight away. That will only add to the complications and leave you feeling even more confused and conflicted than you were in the first place. Give yourself time away from the person. Don't stalk them on social media. Don't go to the place you know they'll be just because you want to make them jealous. Love shouldn't be a game, break-ups shouldn't be a game or a matter of revenge.

Allow yourself to feel however your heart is telling you to feel. If you're emotional and particularly sensitive, just have a cry and do it as much as you need to. Let it all out. Everything happens for a reason and in this life, we only become stronger by the hardships we have to get over. Allow yourself time to heal and recognise how important your family and your friends are. Remind yourself that you were whole before he/she came along and you will remain whole even after they have made their exit. No one is you and that is your power.

If you think about it, you are always going to be the one person that sticks around. You will always have yourself, your own body and your own mind. There isn't ever a guarantee that friends, family or significant others will stick around even half as long as you will be stuck with yourself. So, find contentment in your own company. Enjoy figuring yourself out. Work on yourself and your own identity. Of course, take time to rethink and reflect, but then learn from that past relationship and if it's clear that you're better off as friends in the future or as nothing more than past lovers who aren't in touch, accept that and try to find love in someone else when the time is right. It's okay to be selfish for a while and put yourself first. Just remember that if it's meant to be, it will be.

I'm going to end this post with a little poem that I wrote a while ago, inspired by similar feelings of hopelessness and heartbreak. I hope it helps some of you..

When you are broken in two
Don't try to find yourself at the bottom of a bottle
When the tears won't stop falling down your face
Don't try to find solace in sleeping with a stranger
When your heart begins to collapse as a result of the heartbreak
Don't try to create another temporary version of the person that you are by dabbling in recreational drugs
Do not question his/her motives
Do not fall apart over his/her actions
You are more than enough, my love
If he/she couldn't handle that
Then he/she simply wasn't enough for you

- JM

Lots of love always,


Wednesday, 23 November 2016

Dear Diary: Dealing With A Breakup

After a very long time, I feel like I'm finally ready to write this post. You may think that I've become much more open on my blog in recent months, and that's true to some extent. However, I've never spoken about this topic, because I was never really in the right frame of mind to do so. Over the past few weeks, I've thought about it more, and more, and I've managed to put things into perspective now. I'm ready. I'm ready to open up.

If you have been reading my blog for a while, then you might remember way back when I did the boyfriend tag. I also mentioned my boyfriend in a few posts, and I shared pictures of us on both my blog, and my Instagram.

I'd say that we were on, and off for roughly 2 years, but our entire history is complicated, and it's not the sort of thing that you randomly go into. Something that you have to remember is that because I blog, it means that I'm much more willing to share my life with both people that I know, and people that I probably don't know as well, if at all.
Even though that's the sort of person I am, there's always going to be a limit to how much I can actually share. Certain things have to be kept private. I'm not the sort of person that would sit behind a screen, and publish inappropriate, offensive things about the personal lives of others. That would be wrong, and immoral in many ways. I'm not doing this post to slate anyone, and I'm not doing it as a form of revenge. I'm doing it, because I like to share my experiences with my readers, and I'd like to help people if I can in any way.

As I've already mentioned, myself, and my previous boyfriend were in an on, and off type of relationship. For a couple of months, we were just friendly, and flirty, then we were like that, and in a relationship for a while, but both times we tried to make it work, it just didn't for one reason, or another. After many ups, and downs, we decided to try again last February. We were both at the same school, but in different years, and it just felt like the right thing to do. We spent months getting to know each other, hanging out, and seeing how things went, and it was all going really well.

However, we all know what life is like. Things never stay a certain way. They constantly change, and progress, and sometimes, we are faced with challenges. Maybe individually, or maybe in relationships, friendships, or as a family. Unfortunately, I lost a lot of trust in this particular boy. He'd done a lot of things over quite a large period of times (we're talking a few months), and it got a little bit out of hard. I was in Year 10 at this point, so I was well into GCSE mode, and I'd find myself in tears, feeling as though I was at a loose end, at the age of 14. We'd try to sort things out, and we'd try to make it work somehow, but things would only stay hopeful for a couple of weeks, and then they'd just come crashing down again. Relationships aren't meant to be that way. They are meant to be built on trust, communication, honesty, and loyalty. If I'm being honest myself here, I have to admit, our relationship didn't have any of those things towards the end of it.
I'm not saying it was all his fault. I was very insecure, jealous, and paranoid, so that probably wasn't easy to deal with, but all of these feelings had stemmed from his actions within those few months.

Even though it seems like I've just jumped straight into the negative things, there were (surprisingly) positives too. He was an incredibly understanding person, most of the time. He'd always support, and encourage me to do what I wanted to do, especially when it came to my blog, and he'd never judge, or put me down about anything, whether I considered it to be a big deal, or not. He was very funny, and he could always make people laugh, or put a smile upon their face. I could share absolutely anything with him, and I knew that he would try his best to comfort me, or make it as okay as it could be. He helped me to understand my anxious mind, and he helped me to gain a tonne of confidence.

The fact that he was in with the wrong crowd, and interested in messing about with girls, fighting, and essentially, ruining his own life made it very difficult to find a way to work things out.

We broke up in September 2015.

Since then, he's been with numerous other girls, and he hasn't been loyal to any of them at all. I will admit, I did still meet up with him behind people's backs, and have a somewhat romantic fling with him. I'd keep running back, trying to be there for him, in an attempt to help him sort his life out. Truthfully, I don't think he ever wanted my help.

It's now been a couple of months since I last spoke to him, or met up with him. He has found someone else, and I have my heart set on someone else too. There are no hard feelings on my part. I don't hate him, and I don't wish any negativity towards him, or his girlfriend. What's done is done, and within the past 2 months, I've come to accept that, and learn from it.

He's taught me a lot about myself, other people, and about relationships. I've become stronger, happier, and more confident since I let go. It was the best decision, for the both of us.
Although we don't talk anymore, I'm still grateful for what he taught me, and I won't forget anything about the experience. I'll remember all of the memories - the good, and the bad.

If you're currently going through a breakup, I have some words of wisdom that I want to share with you...

Listen to what your loved ones say, but make up your own mind as to whether you want to take action. I always listened to what my friends, and family said, but at the time, I did what I wanted to do, and what felt right for me. The majority of them were still there when I realised I'd gone wrong, but sometimes, you need to make your own mistakes, and learn from them. Take in what people say, weigh it all up, and then decide what you want to do.

Don't be afraid to let go. It may seem hard, but it's for the best. I know how difficult letting go is, as you can see from this post. Sometimes, even if your heart is telling you to hold on, you have to be realistic, and let go of that person, and the connection that you had. Read the signs. If things are going wrong time after time, then chances are, they won't get any better. Let go, and start moving on before you become truly trapped in the mind set, and the relationship. You don't want to leave it until it's too late.

Give yourself time to feel, and heal. Take it slow. Move on whenever you're ready to move on. Take each day as it comes, and slowly detach yourself. Unfollow them on Instagram. Throw away that present they got you for your 16th birthday. Stop re-reading those old messages. You're only poisoning yourself. The other person probably couldn't care less anymore. I know its harsh, but if they truly cared, then I doubt you'd even be here in the first place. You do you. Cry until you can cry no more. Write down all your feelings, then rip them up. Take a day off, and dedicate it to sleeping, and eating crap. Once you have done all of that, it's time to heal. Focus your mind on your work, your hobbies, your friends, and your family. Make plans. Go travelling. Do new things. Pamper yourself. Go out for a meal. They're in the past for a reason, boo. So, leave them there.

Remind yourself of your future, and how much happier you're going to be now they're gone. You may not feel it right now. I mean, it took me just over a year to get over my past relationship, but once you're over it, there's no going back. Nowadays, I look towards my future. I think about my blog, my GCSE's, my friends, my family, and enjoying life as much as I can, whilst I still can. Do you really want to lay in your bed every night, wondering who the love of your life is sending flirty texts to? Do you want to make him/her the centre of attention, considering you're not even an option for them anymore? Don't waste your time.

Give yourself time to be alone. This is honestly so important. Everyone thinks that being by yourself is such a terrible thing, but it's not at all! It allows you to analyse things, and think about everything that has happen. You're able to clear your mind, and settle down your thoughts, and emotions. We all need time on our own sometimes. When you next find yourself getting down about it, don't. Remember this. It's going to be okay.

Thank you so much for reading this post. I was actually quite nervous to post it, so hopefully I get the sort of response that shows I've helped, or comforted a few of you. If I have, please let me know, either by commenting, or messaging me privately on my social media. Alternatively, if you feel as though you still need some support, but you don't know who to turn to, then you're more than welcome to message me, and we can talk it through together. You're my strong, sassy soldiers, remember!

It's going to be okay, my lovelies. You may get flashbacks, and there may be times where you so desperately want that person back. You probably will always remember them, and the moments that you spent together - the memories that you made with each other.
Whatever you do, please don't go back. You deserve more than that, I'm telling you. Just because you loved them once upon a time, it doesn't mean you can't move on to find happiness in someone else. You can, and you will. Just give it time. Don't give your ex the satisfaction, knowing that you're hurting, and falling apart. Smile, keep your head up, and show them that you're moving on, even if you are in fact hurting, and falling apart. They want you to feel that way. They want to rub their new relationship in your face. Don't you dare let them. You are so much better than that. I promise you. You just gotta believe it.

~Breakups hurt, but losing someone who doesn't respect, and appreciate you is actually a gain, not a loss~

Lots of love always,

Jade xo


Tuesday, 21 July 2015

Teen Talk | Love & Relationships Q&A

Hi everyone! Today I'm going to be answering your questions on 'Love & Relationships'. The reason I didn't include specifically boys, or specifically girls in the title is because some of you may be attracted to boys and some of you may be attracted to girls and I want to be able to answer these questions for everyone, without specifying the gender, as there is no true need. I hope this helps!

1. How do you know if you've found the perfect person? - @bexxjones_

This might sound like a cliché answer, but I do think it's just something that you know. However, that being said, I don't really think that there is such thing as a 'perfect' person, because as long as that person makes us happy, what does it really matter if they have flaws? All humans have flaws! The person who you can see yourself building a future with should be someone who you trust, feel safe with, who treats you right and with respect, who is prepared to do whatever for you and who you are genuinely compatible with. You have to love the person, because without love, there is no point in being in a proper relationship. You have to go with what your heart is telling you, and if your heart is telling you that you love this person and you want to stay with them, then you should follow that decision. Arguments are completely normal, so long as they aren't happening too often, or too severely.

2. How do you get over awkward/nerve-wracking situations in a relationship? - @bexxjones_

In my opinion, this is something that you get over through time. When I first meet someone, particularly if I am attracted to them, then I will naturally feel nervous and quite awkward, just as they probably will be. As you slowly get to know a person better through communicating and meeting up, things do get easier, because you will naturally become more comfortable in their company. Try to take deep breaths and be as confident as you can. It's totally natural to be scared at first and I honestly do understand that, but you will grow more comfortable with the person eventually. It may take a little while, but you do just have to have a little bit of patience!

3. How to get over a relationship? - anonymous

If you are in the process of getting over a relationship, it can be extremely difficult and I understand that. With my previous relationship, which I don't wish to go into too much detail about, it was toxic. It really was. It took me a long time to break free from it, but once I'd gotten over it, it was 110% worth it. People that continuously treat you badly, yet lead you on, are the worst type of people. My ex would constantly talk about sexual things, yet he never actually had time for me, or my feelings. I felt uncomfortable when I met him and I didn't even want to be around him. That is when you know you need to escape. It does take time, but finding the courage to decide that you need to move on for the best is the most important thing. Once I had decided that I could no longer continue with this relationship, I was so much better off. With the right support, I managed to move on. I found it best to cut off all contact and once I'd let my anger out through arguing, then block him off of everything and completely forget about him. If you remember them for the bad things and how much pain they caused you, it will hopefully make you realise that you deserve so much better and you shouldn't go back to them, ever! It may be hard, but you need to get rid of them and remind yourself that they are no good to you and you can do so much better, even if you don't think you can. You need to have a positive mind set and be thankful to yourself that you got out of that toxic relationship, before it was too late. Just cut off all communication, avoid them as much as you can, distract yourself and find support in friends and family. Maybe they can remind you how poisonous that person was too!
4. How do you know if you're really in love? - anonymous

5. How do you know if they like you? - @ruby.turner_

This can be another really tricky one and I can completely empathise with the fact that it's not always easy to tell if someone likes you romantically. However, there are usually a few little tricks and hints that may give it away or help you to understand. Just remember that everyone is different, and both guys and girls have different ways of expressing their feelings. Most people don't admit how they feel straight away, as they may be shy, or nervous. This is completely normal. They may blush, stare at you, yet turn away when they catch you noticing, do things that draw attention to them, such as laughing or talking louder etc. These clues are usually typical if the person is shy. If they are more outgoing, some signs could be - showing no fear of starting the conversation, literally talking to you or interacting with you at every possible opportunity, trying to get you to notice them, ask you to hang out or make an attempt to get your number etc. Some people are afraid of rejection, so they may make it a little less obvious, due to fear. Some of the little things that these people may do include; bumping into you slightly just to make contact, take the seat beside you, even if there are plenty of other choices, being the first to notice when you are sad/off etc. If you are pretty sure someone likes you, then just try to make small conversation and show that you are interested, even if you are too nervous to openly admit it yet. Take it slowly and be yourself. Never, ever change for anyone. If things are meant to be, they will be, and if not, there are plenty of other opportunities and fish in the sea.

6. What should you do if nobody cares about you and people judge you straight away because of one situation that you had no control over? - anonymous

As hard as it may be, you need to try to forget about these people. You clearly had no control over the situation and it's completely wrong of them to judge you for it before they even know you! You don't need a relationship with a judgemental person who makes you feel bad about the person that you are. One day, you will find someone who does accept you and who loves you for who you are. It may take some time and it may feel as though you will never find anybody, but I know that you will. There truly is someone out there for everyone, but it just takes the right timing and patience to find your soul mate. I guess that some people just don't think before they get to know a person and they simply just judge a book by it's cover. I know that's so wrong, but they are too insensitive to see that, and really, that just shows that they have their own issues which need sorting out before they commit themselves to a relationship. Honestly, just forget about love and relationships until the right person comes along. You will know when you have found them, trust me! Surround yourself with your loved ones, who are non-judgemental and try to ignore what people say. Your loved ones care about you, regardless of what other insensitive fools believe. You will find someone some day. I promise.

7. What do you do if you catch your boyfriend cheating? - @bexxjones_

When it comes to cheating, I think that no two people have the same opinion. We all have different views and it all depends on that situation that has gone on. If the person has admitted it to you and they genuinely have proved themselves to you, then I don't see why you can't forgive them. If they make you happy and you feel as if you want to be in a relationship with them and they want to be with you, then just try to regain that trust and get on with your lives together. Make sure that the person doesn't continuously disrespect you and cheat on you though, as that is when it can become an issue. If the person constantly goes behind your back and treats you with disrespect and as if you mean nothing to them, to the point where they are constantly making time with other girls/boys and they make excuses to not meet you every time, then you should definitely reconsider your future with them. Some people believe that once you are a cheat, you are always a cheat, but it is completely down to personal opinion. If you can relate to the second situation, then I would recommend that you leave the person and try to move on, but then again, I don't know the situation, so only you can make that decision. If you can relate to the first one, another chance may be possible, but yet again, it's your decision, not mine! Whatever you do, make sure you follow your heart and you do what's best for you.

8. Do you believe that boys and girls think and act differently in a relationship? - anonymous

Personally, I definitely believe that guys and girls act differently in a relationship. I do think that boys are naturally more immature and flirtatious, especially during the young, teenage years, because of their hormones and they are typically becoming more sexually attracted to the opposite sex. This is why I believe that they are known to be flirting a lot more and more likely go on the pull. I may be wrong, but I know a lot of guys in my school, and around my age that would do anything to get a girl. I think that's just the way that they are and I do think that they get a bit carried away, because they haven't necessarily worked out how to control themselves, whereas girls may typically want to settle down and just stay loyal and committed to one person for the rest of their lives. In my opinion, girls are naturally more mature and they are usually able to stay loyal a little easier. It's natural for both sexes to want to flirt and have fun at a young age, but I think girls have more control and respect for themselves, as they aren't all about the physical side of relationships. whereas I have found certain boys can be extremely pushy and convincing, when it shouldn't be that way and you shouldn't just be focusing on the sexual side. Girls are more interested in the loyalty, settling down and the majority of them are very much into the idea of marriage and starting a family in the future. Most of us girls focus on the long-term goals and boys seem to be more focused on having fun in the present.

9. How do I get over someone I've liked for 3 years but we are still really close? - anonymous

You need to remind yourself of your friendship. You have clearly known this person and been close to them for a very long time, but maybe a relationship would ruin that close friendship. You are close friends for a reason and maybe that is just the way that it is meant to be. I don't think there is anyone to get over someone, because if it's meant to be, you will just get over them through time, but then again, nobody can predict the future and so you never know what may happen between you. You should just focus on hanging out with them as a close friend and remind yourself of that fact, then see what happens in the future.

10. How do I get out of an abusive relationship?

I have already done a blog post on domestic violence, so feel free to check that one out if you wish, but I'm going to be answering this question too, as I feel it is incredibly important. I know it may sound like the hardest/stupidest answer, but you honestly do need to get out of that relationship. It depends what type of abuse it is. If it's emotional, then you should try and pack up your things whilst the person is away at work or whatever during the day and then call up a loved one and arrange to stay with them whilst you sort yourself out. You can call the police, or research organisations where they can arrange support, or a place to stay where you are safe and away from harm. It will be difficult, but it's important that you have support from your loved ones and that you make this huge step for your own safety. You do not deserve to be experiencing any sort of abuse. It is wrong. If it's physical abuse, then you need to escape as soon as possible. Your life is in serious danger. Call the police straight away and be completely honest, as hard as it is. You need to do this for your own safety. Get away as soon as possible and go and stay with a family member or contact support lines. You need to get out. I honestly can't stress it enough. Do your research and plan your escape as soon as you can, please. I can't urge how important your safety is, so please get out whilst you still can.

11. How do I know if he still loves me?

Everyone has different ways of expressing their feelings and emotions. I'm not too sure how to answer this one, as I'm not a boy so I don't know how some of them express their feelings, but I'm going to try and answer this question as best as I can. If he's making room for you in his life and he's putting you before other things that he used to make a priority, then this could be a sign! He would do anything to make you happy and he is always willing to spend his free time with you. See if he asks questions about you and talks about you positively to other people. Just observe the little things and really think about how he acts when he's in your company. It may be hard to tell, but you will work out the secret clues eventually!

12. How do I know if the relationship is worth it?

This is also a very difficult one to answer, as yet again, it comes down to personal opinion. You have to go with what your heart says and stay true to how you feel deep within. If you genuinely feel that you love the person and that you do want to work things out and stay with them, because they make you happy, they make you feel safe, loved, wanted and all of that romantic stuff, then you should stay with them! If you are having constant doubts about whether the person actually loves you, or you think they don't spend enough time with you, or they don't treat your right and your heart is telling you that they may not be worth it, then stick with your instincts and break up with them. It is completely down to you and how your relationship is already. That's just what I would suggest!

13. I think my boyfriend treats his boys with more love than me.. What should I do?

You should talk to your boyfriend about this. Ask him why this is the case and try to find out why he may not be spending as much time with you. He may just not be able to express his love for you as much as he wants too, so talk to him about it and see his reaction. If you are still wary and unsure, then maybe you could talk to his friends and see what they say, or what their reactions are. There could be an issue, or there may not be, so try not to worry too much until you get some proper answers. You may have to reconsider your relationship with him, or you may just need to spend a little more time together and talk to him more so that he can make time for you instead of his boys 24/7.

14. I feel lonely and unloved. Does being single prove that I'm not good enough?

No! Absolutely not. Just because you are single does not mean that you are not good enough. It can take a long time to find the right person, but it's better to be single than in a relationship with someone who makes you feel worthless. Good things come to those who wait and there is someone out there for everyone, but you just need to be patient and wait for the right person to come along. Sometimes, we don't always find the right person for us, because they simply haven't crossed paths with us yet and that is completely fine. There is no rush! You should focus on the relationship that you have with yourself first and focus on loving who you are before you allow somebody else in. Just because you haven't found your soul mate yet, it doesn't mean that you are unloved. You will find somebody. You will find the right person eventually, I am sure of it. Just be patient and focus on yourself and your loved ones before making that commitment. Everything will work out in the end.

15. Why do boys cheat on a girl they love?

I honestly don't know how to answer this question either. I believe that it is simply through lust and boredom. If a boy/man sees an attractive girl, and the girl seems to be attracted to them too, then they will just want to make the most of the opportunity. It is possible for them to be in love with someone else, but sometimes boys/men just want their ego to be satisfied and they are naturally more sexual, so they want to tend to these needs. They may not even consider it cheating, like you do.

I really do hope that this post has helped you and that I may have answered some of your questions.
Thank you to everyone that asked me a question and I really hope I did the answer justice for you!

QOTP  ~ 'We don't meet people by accident. They are meant to cross our path for a reason'  ~

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