Wednesday, 2 May 2018

A Letter To My First Love

Dear C,

We first met in February 2014 at our local park, where we later created many more memories. You were on a dog walk and I was hanging out with a friend, not knowing that you were also friends with her. I was incredibly socially awkward at this point, but I got a certain vibe off of you and I knew you were the sort of person that I would want to explore. I'm not saying that I felt a particular spark ignite between the two of us or anything of the sort, but I had hoped that there would be something at least.

After that, I desperately tried to somehow find contact with you again. I searched through Facebook for hours on end, but your profile was nowhere to be seen. Surely our meeting wasn't just a one off? All I could do now was wait and hold onto the theory that what's meant to be will always find a way.

Rightly so, I stumbled across your profile a couple of months later during the Summer holidays and I was excited beyond words. Finally, I'd be able to talk to you and get to know more about what sort of character you were. I assumed that you would remember me and be just as ecstatic as myself, but when you came back questioning whether you knew who I was, I was a little bit taken aback to say the least.

Anyway, over the coming months, we were both on our Summer holidays, you just about to start Year 7 (at my secondary school, of course) and I was just about to head into Year 9. We met up at the same park twice during that Summer and although I was at first ever so shy and awkward, I felt like we really 'hit it off', as they say. There was something so enchanting about your sense of humour, the stories you would tell me, the way you would just always have something to say, no matter what the situation. I was going off to Devon to stay with family, but we tried to message each other as much as we could, particularly at night when everyone else was asleep and I was just laying in bed, not doing anything else. You asked me out at that point and I said yes, despite the fact I was 6 hours away.

It was kind of strange to say the least when you joined my school as a cheeky Year 7 and you boasted to all your new mates about how you had an older girlfriend. I must say, it wasn't exactly my best highlight in life. I couldn't go out with another younger boy, so count yourself as an exception. I'd get judged on the daily and I'm not going to lie, it did really get to me, but the more time went on, I just accepted it and tried to not let it get to me as much. However, that didn't really work for long and I ended things out of nowhere about a month and a half after we got together. We repeated that cycle again, but then in February 2015, I decided that it would (hopefully) be 3rd time lucky and I was old enough to give it a proper shot. Well, I was to be turning 14 the next month, so that was old enough for me to be serious!

During the 9 months that we were 'properly' together, you could say that it was a rollercoaster ride at the very least. It was traumatic at times and there were enough tears and tantrums (on my behalf at least) to last a lifetime. It's fair to say that you were unfaithful and you caused me a lot more stress than what was actually necessary. I got deeper and deeper into my feelings whilst you gradually became more and more detached. You would get with my friends and equally my enemies behind my back, betray my trust and laugh through every situation, denying your wrongdoings.

It wasn't all doom and gloom though. Throughout the 2 years where I struggled the most, we were on and off for the most part and there were many occasions where I'd open up to you and cry into your arms, wondering how I was going to find the strength to fight through the days. That sounds dramatic to anybody else reading this, but you and I both know that's how bad things had got. I will never forget staying up all night messaging you, phoning you for 5 hours straight, getting endless Dominos and Pizza Gogo with you to take back to my house, all our inside jokes (literally thousands), going to our secret place in the woods with our snacks to spend the whole day doing barely anything and I'll never forget all those deep chats we had, how we planned to move to Spain when we were older, the fact we wanted to get married and have 4 kids and a dog. It's quite sweet, as I do look back with fond memories, but things had actually ended a long time before I finally let go.

Truth be told, I didn't 'let go' until around February this year. You kept flirting with me and every time I'd go through something difficult, I'd go running back to you, begging for your support, crying down the phone to you in the hope that you would drop the drugs and come to look after me. That never happened - not once. It took me almost 4 years to fully close the chapter of you and I. You hurt me in ways that I could never explain and you really did act in unforgivable ways. Things were never quite the same after all of the drama happened, but even when we weren't going out, we were still flirty, we were still close and we somehow managed to build up what we had into something different, but something equally as special. I lost the romantic type of trust for you years ago, but I've always trusted you as a person - almost in a friend way. I always thought you were different to the other guys and on a deeper level, you were.

You helped me in ways nobody else could. You helped me to gain confidence, you helped me to believe in myself, you helped me to break out of my comfort zone, you helped me realise that not everybody has the same intentions as me, you helped me realise that my kindness is invaluable and more than anything, you helped me recognise my worth. It's just obvious that you couldn't treat me the way I deserve to be treated.

I will always hold you and our memories in a special place in my heart. You were my first love and you were the first boy I ever shared more than a kiss with. Things were said and done, but at the end of the day, you were always my best friend - above and before anyone else. I will always be in awe of your confidence, your independence from such a young age, your easy going nature, your generosity (sometimes) and your ability to be so loyal to your friends and family. For all them years, you were my inspiration, but now I'm strong enough to be my own inspiration.

Thank you for everything. For the good times and the bad, the heartbreaks and the happiness. I appreciate it all and you are the human that's shaped me more than any other human has.

I wish you all the best in your future endeavours, but I will not allow myself to be your backup anymore.


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