Wednesday, 2 August 2017

Learning To Love Yourself Is A Journey

 
 If you have been a long time reader of my blog, you'll know that I'm a pretty open book when it comes to my life and all of the experiences that I have had throughout. Growing up without a father figure, break-ups, and mental health to name just a few. They haven't all been pretty, but they have made me who I am today.
 
It's now time for me delve even deeper into the story of my life so far, and this time, I'm going to be talking about my experience with a personal insecurity, which developed into bullying.
 
As it's something that I've never spoken about before, I am quite nervous, but even if it helps just one person or brings comfort to them, then I've done what I set out to do!
 
Ever since I was younger, I've had a physical characteristic that has always been slightly different to other people's.
 
I've always had a misaligned jaw, which has a tendency to slant towards the left, rather than being central. 
 
Don't ask me why my jaw is this way though. I guess that's just the way it developed.  The lower one protrudes more so than the upper, meaning they generally just don't line up together, which causes my mouth to look different to the 'average' persons. In addition to this, my chin also protrudes forward. It doesn't hurt, and it doesn't cause any problems with eating, swallowing, talking or anything else. I just have a slight lisp sometimes, which a lot of people do just naturally have anyway.
 
Apart from that, my teeth are healthy, and fairly straight, so I don't actually need braces and I never have done, because that isn't the issue.
 
The only way that I could 'correct' (and I use that term lightly) my misaligned jaw is if I have surgery, which, as I've researched and heard about, seems absolutely horrendous. Professionals would essentially have to break my jaw, fix the position, screw it back into place and leave me in recovery from local anaesthetic and the op itself possibly for about 6-8 weeks, depending on the individual. I wouldn't be able to eat, sleep properly, talk, or get on with my day to day life.
 
I don't know about you, but that sounds like my worst nightmare. Have I not put my body through enough for these 16 years already without altering it and potentially damaging it further?
 
And for what reason have I been considering this surgery? To please other people and stop the bullying and the remarks.
 
I have a misaligned jaw and that's something that I've developed since birth. There's no denying it or hiding away from the facts. It's something I've faced years of torture and taunting over. This physical characteristic that I can't control has been the main reason as to why I've been laughed at for most of my life.
 
There are people out there who have to live with much worse than this. There are people who feel like their weight is the reason they get hated on, their skin colour, their background, their learning difficulties, the area that they have grown up in. There are people who have to live with vile treatment from others, because of a disability or an impairment that they have, which they never asked for. That makes me so incredibly sad and to be truthful to you, my heart breaks every time I hear of this going on in the world.
 
We all have imperfections. Some of us may have a pointy nose, glasses, chubby thighs, ears that stick out, smaller boobs. We all have our own individual insecurities - and to be honest, that's a comfort in itself. It's a comfort to know that nobody thinks their perfect. Nobody toots their own trumpet and is up their own arse every day of their lives (maybe some of the time, but that's allowed!). Whether others can see your insecurity or not is irrelevant. They shouldn't ever pass a comment or feel the need to have their say based on whatever judgement they have made. It's wrong and it's so horribly unkind. I'm going to be upfront and say that I have been rude to people before. I have called people fat, ugly, spotty, hairy, smelly and more - whether it was years ago, or recently, directly or indirectly. I still did it at some point and I'm not proud of myself for that, but we all make mistakes and sometimes we don't think before we speak.
 
However, after battling with my body and fighting with this insecurity for years, I've realised that enough is enough. I need to be nicer and kinder to myself. I need to practise what I preach and stop with the self-loathing. I always try to be nice and kind to others, so why do I seem unable to do that for myself? It makes no sense! I am who I am and in no way, shape or form does my jaw change what I'm capable of. I can still do all the things that I want to do and that's something that I should be grateful for. Yes, I may look different and yes I may be subjected to hate more so than some people, but who really gives a toss?!
 
I get that there are a few individuals out there who would probably only recognise me, because of my 'wonky' jaw, but that's their call. It's what they remember me by, and should that be such a bad thing? It makes me unique and anyway, I'd rather be a flamingo out of a flock of pigeons (who are the people that hate on me).
 
Don't get me wrong, I'd love to be able to smile confidently in pictures and I'd love to get approached by photographers and fancied by boys, but if it's ever meant to be one day, it will be!
 
So, no, I won't be getting corrective surgery. And no, I won't be ashamed of this attribute any longer. It is what it is and the fact that I can still try to help others, be successful in school, travel the world and give love to the important people in my life is all that matters. Unless there is ever a non-surgical option and I genuinely want to make that change for me, it's a straight up no-no.
 
Whatever your insecurity is, you're fabulous just the way you are. Who cares if I look different from certain angles? Who cares if I don't fit in with the crowd? Who cares if I'll never be a top model?
 
I am me and you are you. That is our power - and together, we will show the haters who's boss!
 
Lots of love always,
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

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